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Category Archives: Disappointment

Bipolar in the Family

Posted on March 16, 2015 in Adolescence Disappointment Mean People Recent

My mother, it seemed to me, was just mean. For this reason, I kept my diagnosis a secret from her but someone told her. One Thanksgiving she made a disparaging comment….

Loser Who Thinks Too Much

Posted on March 7, 2015 in Bipolar Disorder Disappointment Reflections

Both those terms have been used to describe me. An insult just doesn’t stab, it leaves a wound — not a scar, but a bleeding dripping lesion that comes to you in your worst depressions and sometimes — like now — when you are feeling just fine. I am a loser because I have not […]

Death, Luck, and Going On

Posted on September 14, 2014 in Bipolar Disorder Disappointment Reflections Sorrow & Regret

I count my deaths. The times when I fell down and hit my head or hit it on the top of a door frame (a hazard of being six foot six and a half inches). The time when I ran a red light and nobody hit me. The time I put on the brakes in […]



On Self Revelation and Its Risks

Posted on March 18, 2014 in Disappointment Mental Illness Reflections

Self revelation is the most dicey thing that a blogger can do. You put yourself out there hoping for help and support, risking being attacked or ignored. Mental health bloggers have perceived this, I think — as well as sensed opportunities for fame — and made a transition to writing advice columns for people with […]


The Brain is a Dark Country

Posted on November 28, 2012 in Depression Disappointment

The brain is a dark country. I travel there alone, lurching over its high roads and through its scourging vales. I believe that what happens to us is only a small part of our moods. The rest is a geology set down when we were in the womb, shaped by the fidgetings of life. At […]


No Celestial Reason

Posted on July 12, 2010 in Disappointment

One by one, I’ve found old friends. I discovered most recently that one of these suffers from bipolar disorder like me. Another works as a walk-on in Hollywood. The fate of many others is unknown to me, but I haven’t seen them in the tabloids or the more respectable media. We don’t seem to have […]


You Never Can Keep a Friend

Posted on April 10, 2010 in Disappointment Reflections Responsibility

After great pain, a formal feeling comes. The Nerves sit ceremonious, like tombs. Emily Dickinson I find the ease with which some people slough off accountability sociopathic: say you have a misunderstanding, a miscommunication. My practice is to get to the heart of the matter. If it is because I misread or misspoke, I quickly […]


The Lost Panels

Posted on March 16, 2010 in Disappointment Silicon Valley

For a few years, I shuffled around companies in temporary jobs, hoping for a permanent position. One place that I worked was a computer mainframe manufacturing company in the days when the big computers were being replaced by Suns and smaller makes like the Apple and the multitudinous IBM-PC clones. My job was external expediter. […]


A Good Ear and Cortez, Colorado

Posted on July 15, 2007 in Disappointment Vacations

I’m at the computer late, my good habit of turning myself to bed at ten or so long abandoned. Playing solitaire, a game called Red and Black. And while I click on the cards against a red sunset, I think of a time when we found the one “California Cuisine” restaurant in Cortez, Colorado, not […]


Holding Back

Posted on November 17, 2006 in Disappointment Mania

Lately I’ve been holding back regarding my feelings on this blog, largely due to accusations that I was becoming obsessed with my illness and situations relating to it. This is funny because I spend most of my days doing crossword puzzles, going to the gym, reading, and not writing or talking to much of anyone […]



Posted on July 30, 2006 in Disappointment

I haven’t written a decent poem in several months. Everytime I increase my dose of Geodon, I am afflicted by new and interesting side effects. I am alone for most of the day tomorrow and have no idea what to do with my time. Had to cancel a trip to the Palm Springs Tramway and, […]


Heart Needing a Rest Outside

Posted on April 14, 2006 in Anxiety Disappointment

I’ll make some time to cry about all this.

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