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More Tips for Talking to a Bipolar
A few expressed appreciation for my list of things to say and not say to bipolars and depressives in episode. The last two weeks have been stressful for me: like others of my kind, I have been able to cover it from most people except other bipolars. The facade is transparent to them and they are not taken in by the Rococo and Baroque intimations of sanity.
Not that my life has been uncluttered by ignorant and abrasive people. I find that a key to treating others better is to reflect on the paint chips that come off when others belittle me. Here is a personal list of advice from recent weeks:
- The worst lie of all is the lie you tell yourself, particularly when it is used to deny harm to others.
- Don’t tease me about being insecure when I feel fragile. That is not going to strengthen me.
- A rationalisation is not an apology. If you attack me and want to make up, just say you are sorry. It doesn’t entail castration, clitorectomy, the death penalty, or enslavement. Don’t think that saying great things about me in the wake of a conflict eliminates the need to apologize. Such things only make you lose credibility. I don’t like ass-kissers.
- If I call myself a loser, don’t tell me that I am not. That invalidates my thinking and insults me. If you want to help, tell me that you understand that things must be hard for me to be saying such things. And listen. I’m in no place to hear advice. I need a steady, uncommenting ear. If you let me, I may heal myself.
Posted: March 26th, 2006 under Mental Illness, Reflections.
Comments: 4 |
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Comment from m. luminous
Time: 3/26/2006, 12:27 pm
I think that those guidelines can apply to everyone. I’ll have to keep that last one in mind, because that can be hard for me to remember – I want to comfort people, and I forget that saying, “No, you’re not a loser!” isn’t actually comforting. When I’m that upset with myself, I will assume that people are just saying that to be nice, and that if they knew what I’m really like, then they wouldn’t have said “you’re not a loser”, so if someone says that, it means that they just don’t know me very well.
So yes, it’s better to just offer support without invalidating what the person is feeling.
Comment from sera
Time: 3/27/2006, 9:15 am
I agree these can apply to everyone. I have a hard time with the last one though. In MY situation (mine only)…I need my feelings validated for sure, just like what you said, but then it is helpful (for me only) to be told what whomever is talking to me believes to be true. Hmm…unless of course they are thinking “yeah you ARE a loser”…THAT would NOT be helpful. I think this is because my disorder needs that cognitive reframing. However, with my dear bipolar friend, I am more apt to say something along the lines of “sorry you are feeling so badly right now, maybe things will look better tomorrow,/next week/soon” . It helps ME to get a reframing, it doesn’t help her and I know that.
Sera
Comment from Raine
Time: 3/28/2006, 6:32 pm
DONT tell me its all in my head!!!! my response to that it YEAH it is – now YOU figure out how to get it out!!! God I SOOOO hate that comment. What helps me sometimes when I think I am a loser is what sera has said and also the realization and reminders that it is depression talking to me
Time: 3/26/2006, 11:30 am
If I am following you correctly…
I would add, please do not ever say:
Just Stop It- If my illness were not biochemical, perhaps I could. This statement implies I am making a choice.