Posted on July 9, 2015 in Dreams

square905A zoo that I volunteer at has a huge salt water pond. Huge. They’ve decided to remodel it, so they removed all the rocks that allowed visitors to hop about and look into the deeper parts of the poll that you can’t see from the edges. I notice that the larger fish in the pool have died from the heat and are lying on the bottom. Several of us point this out to the zookeeper who seems unconcerned. He thinks he has a bigger problem — there are new houses going up on the hills looking down into the zoo and he wants to plant trees so they can’t see the animals. I go around the pool and find an area where there are lots of fish. Singing “Good Vibrations” I go back to find the zookeeper to tell him about it, showing him with my hands the size of the fish that I saw. He fishes out a sand dab — which he calls a rough carp — and shows it to everyone.


Murphy’s Law and the Nirvana Fallacy

Posted on July 2, 2015 in Advocacy Stigma

square904I just learned about the Nirvana Fallacy. It’s a logical prestidigitation where you compare a situation or proposal with an unrealistic and/or idealized alternative. A cousin of my wife’s likes to use it when attacking health care. He points to the woefully underfunded VA and declares that because this government-run system is so ineffective, we must resort to unregulated private industry (which was so good at providing health care before. Right.) Wikipedia describes it in more detail:

The nirvana fallacy is a name given to the informal fallacy of comparing actual things with unrealistic, idealized alternatives.[1] It can also refer to the tendency to assume that there is a perfect solution to a particular problem. A closely related concept is the perfect solution fallacy.

By creating a false dichotomy that presents one option which is obviously advantageous—while at the same time being completely implausible—a person using the nirvana fallacy can attack any opposing idea because it is imperfect. Under this fallacy, the choice is not between real world solutions; it is, rather, a choice between one realistic achievable possibility and another unrealistic solution that could in some way be “better”.



Why I Still Fear My Illness

Posted on June 30, 2015 in Depression Mania

square903I have been mostly stable since 2008. There have been a few interludes where I slipped either into mania or depression, but I managed these so that they did not spiral out of control. So I have nothing to worry about, do I?

There’s plenty to dread. Last week, as regular readers of this blog know, I had what is known as a breakthrough episode. In this case, it was a mild case of mania that I rode out with the help of sedatives and extra sleep, literally dreaming myself into a depression. I am not like many people with bipolar in that I do not fear depression. When I am depressed, I don’t have the energy to arrange a suicide. So it is not like a mixed state where I can pull the implements together and actually begin the death-by-my-own-hand. Still it debilitates me: I remain silent for long periods of time, talking to no one, writing nothing. Even now, I struggle to find the words for what I want to say. This is the nature of The Beast and there is nothing flamboyant about it now, just a gray, blubbery monster which lies on top of me and smothers me.



Breakthrough Episode

Posted on June 28, 2015 in Exuberance Mania Psychotropics Rage & Annoyance

square902Mania scored my consciousness in steep peaks and troughs that never descended into depression the last two weeks. I got into arguments and I loved them too well. It was easy to laugh and the laughter fed itself. I quoted scripture at my opponents, both religious and secular. The color red seemed especially intense. Once I thought I saw someone run across the hall when I was alone in the house.

I thought I had an easy answer that I also feared: my Vyvanse had pushed me up beyond my normal humor. But when I went to take the little yellow capsules out of my lineup for the week, I discovered that I had not been taking them! So the psycho-stimulant was not guilty.

What was causing me to erupt? I didn’t know for sure, but I knew what I had to do. I took an extra Xanax to force myself into several extra hours of sleep, avoided sites that pricked my optical nerves with shimmering and pulsing light, and meditated.



Genotypes and Phenotypes: Why We Have Bipolar Disorder

Posted on June 25, 2015 in Bipolar Disorder Genes

square901There’s a mystery in the genetics report that I received from 23 and me and ran though the Promethease analysis engine: I have multiple genes that predispose me to lupus. I don’t have lupus but an uncle of mine did. It also says that I could develop multiple sclerosis and that I am at risk for childhood leukemia (I dodged that bullet.) My risk for bipolar disorder is only average. It also says that I am tall (true — I am 6′ 6 1/2″), probably have brown eyes, that risperidone works well for me, and have a tendency towards diabetes and obesity — right on all counts, though I am working to reduce my weight. All these things are in my genes. How is it that I show some of the predicted traits and not others?

Some might jump to the conclusion that genetics just gets these things wrong. No, the genes are there for certain. I am prone to lupus and MS. I could have had childhood leukemia. So why didn’t I if genes are the code that determines what I am? Why do I have bipolar disorder?



Of Racist Symbols and Stigma

Posted on June 24, 2015 in Advocacy Authoritarianism Hatred Psycho-bunk Stigma

square900I’ve been seasoning the idea that we should be calling for the removal of the Confederate flag and its scions from Southern states. While I support the idea, I also have some reservations about the effectiveness of this action.

Some are calling it a logical action after last week’s shootings. Others are bringing up the fact that it is the flag of treason.

I don’t think that it is the matter of treason that is at issue here for me, but the fact that they fought to preserve slavery and that the flag is used as a racist emblem even today, 150 years after the end of the Civil War. I believe in freedom of speech, but I don’t think public institutions should be endorsing a white supremacist symbol.

Still, I worry that taking the flag down will only make white liberals feel that they have done something significant about racism in this country when they have only scratched the surface. I am more concerned, for example, about police shootings. These affect not only people of color, but also people like me who live with mental illness. Mass shooters have yet to catch up with the number of victims who have been killed by police so far this year. This is the violence to which we should give the most energy in combating.



Why Some Patients Like Murphy’s Law

Posted on June 23, 2015 in Advocacy Mental Illness

square899Now and then, you run into some parent who slaps you with what they think is a winning argument for Murphy’s Law: “my son/daughter with schizophrenia/bipolar disorder thinks Assisted Outpatient Treatment”. If patients are flocking to support this controversial forced treatment, how can people like me oppose Murphy’s Law?

When I look a little deeper, I discover something: many of these proponents are actually soft supporters. What they like about AOT is that it is just about the only way for them to get treatment. So what they really support is community outpatient clinics — the ones that have been denied us all along since the states emptied out the mental hospitals and delivered several of us to the streets.

Liking AOT does not mean that they necessarily like other parts of Murphy’s Law such as the partial dismantling of HIPAA benefits, the lack of protection for Advanced Directives, the hogtying of support groups, the lack of safeguards against abusive caretakers, dismantling of support for patient rights organizations, etc. Murphy’s Law casts a wide net driven by stigma. It fails to fund community mental health centers except as a weak pilot program in ten states. We need a better vehicle that really helps the mentally ill.


13 Years

Posted on June 22, 2015 in Activity Site News

“We have a right to select our vision of the world.”
by Anais Nin

square898Thirteen years ago, today, I launched this dangerous experiment. It ended a long silence. I had a place to write once more.

My wife gave me the idea. Keeping a diary that others could read and comment upon appealed to me. The abUSENET — the only other place where one could publish long articles without having to go through an editor — tended to punish those who spoke about themselves, their opinions, and their struggles. A blog let you do all these things and you could quietly control comments so that you could keep things civilized even though this discouraged many people from leaving them.

Many subjects have passed these pages: the war in Iraq, elections, daily life, my travels, the weather, my dreams, and my struggles with depression and, after my diagnosis, bipolar disorder. I lost more than half of my regular visitors because of my pacifist views during the War and most of the rest when I started writing about bipolar disorder. My effort to bring them back or find new ones has been difficult and disappointing. Every day I ask if I stopped writing, would people notice? I soldier on, sometimes in despair, sometimes in the confidence that what I have to say will mean something to someone.

13 years is a long time. I am still here.


Vulture View and Bunnyhenge

Posted on June 21, 2015 in Body Language Calm Daily Life Mania Photos Travels - So Cal

square897Two doses of Xanax in succession seem to have brought me out of the mania. I would rank myself at a six on the zero to ten point scale that we use in our support group. Colors don’t seem as bright, I am not attracted to every woman that I meet, and my driving is mostly good.

When I went hiking yesterday, I found myself pushed to the point of exhaustion. I carried more than anyone because I was a group leader and needed to port a first aid kit, extra water, etc. but my bones could not take it this day even though I took a harder hike on Thursday night with no ill effects. I got back from Vulture View all right after a couple of people took some of the weight off my back, but I was weak for most of the day. The message I am drawing from this is to get back into my routine of exercising more. So on Tuesday, I am going to do the Dreaded Hill hike again and maybe again on Thursday with some variation.

Today we went with a friend to Bunnyhenge and Fashion Island in Newport Beach to mark Solstice. The worst thing I did was sing some Tom Lehrer songs on the way back, so I am confident about being on the mend. The weakness on the hike worries me more than the hypomania at this point: I wonder if it was the Xanax?




Posted on June 19, 2015 in Agitation Daily Life Mania

square896The whole business in Charleston has brought me out of my equilibrium and into the high, holy state of mania. The signs are clear: a brilliantly clear feeling of energy, combativeness, difficulty dealing with difficult people, the color red seems unusually intense, and a slight shaking that no one can see but I can sense. More correctly, this is a hypomania because I have not launched into paranoia — though I intellectually appreciate that my neighbors will not take kindly to my living with this illness, I do not think they are reading my mind or seeing through its invisibility; nor do I feel that I am indispensable, a great gift to humanity.

I posted a photo to Instagram identifying my face as that of mania. One friend replied, “You look ordinary”. “Yes, that is the point. I have an invisible disease.”



Facebook Censorship on Murphy’s Law

Posted on June 18, 2015 in Mean People Mental Illness Psycho-bunk

square895I was just kicked out of Advocates for People with Mental Illness at Facebook because I told Laura Pogliano to stop saying that those of us who oppose Murphy’s Law don’t care about helping the mentally ill.

I also said that I didn’t deny that she and other proponents wanted to help them, too. I just felt Murphy’s Law isn’t the best vehicle.

I have admitted to doing this kind of thing myself in the past and I have put a stop to it. Laura routinely misrepresents facts, denies the role of trauma in mental illness, and gives herself license to do as she pleases. She never apologizes. When I rebut her, she either ignores me or she distorts what say.

I do not doubt that my rebuttals and self defense are being deleted so that there is only their “one true story”.

I am in shock. The other mods seem to have taken Laura’s side, ignoring her abusiveness towards those who don’t agree with her. I think she should not be a moderator and have said so in private.

As I said, I do believe that people who support Murphy’s Law want to help the mentally ill. I think there are better approaches than this NRA-driven monstrosity.

Sad and overwhelmed right now.


TrueHope Intimidates Natasha Tracy

Posted on June 17, 2015 in Fraud Medications Mental Illness

square894Alternative medicine is filled with people filled of warm and fuzzy, right? Not Truehope. They have written Natasha Tracy a letter to the effect that if she doesn’t take down a series of articles that she wrote documenting her experiences and opinions about their product, they will sue.

I have watched Andy Behrman (aka Electroboy) speaking against the dangerous effects of Abilify when it is used as a mood stabilizer for a couple of years now. Now, Andy might correct me, but I haven’t heard him announce that he has received any letters threatening court action against him. Nor have I heard anyone else who has declared that certain medications haven’t worked for them or given them harmful side effects complain about harassment from Big Pharm’s lawyers.

Proponents of alternative medicine rail against the profits of Big Pharm, but what they don’t tell you is that their end of continuum rakes in $4 billion dollars a year; and, what is more, when they call themselves “homeopathic”, a 1938 law protects them from having to conduct clinical trials. Scientists have nevertheless tested vitamin therapy several times over the last few decades. Every time, vitamins have worked no better — or worse — than a placebo for treating mental illness. A couple of supplements have proved efficacious, however: N-Acetyl-Cysteine complements lamotrigine well and fish oil and flax seed oil have a moderate effect on depression. So Science isn’t against finding alternatives to Big Pharm’s meds; it just expects them to work.

The “research” that led to Truehope is this: a hog farmer fed a certain vitamin combination to his pigs and thought it made them happier. He then marketed it as a product which could be used to treat mental illness. He has accumulated testimonials from people who claim that it works for them, but aside from one psychiatrist who uses unknown techniques to vet these claims, he has funded no reproducible clinical trials.

My testimonial is this: I have known a few people who tried it and they swore — despite the fact that they were buzzing like an old light bulb with mania or suffering from depressions as deep as the doodoo on a hog farm — that it was helping them. I don’t trust anecdotal evidence, even when it agrees with my own views. I will sometimes cite them, but only as illustrations of statistics. (And I warn people when they should be careful — for example, carbamazepine helped quell my manic storms, but statistics show that it doesn’t help everyone.)

Natasha’ crime seems to be that TrueHope didn’t work for her. TrueHope is threatening to sue her for slander, probably hoping that her relative poverty will cause her to back down. This blog takes the position that this bullying underscores the flimsiness of TrueHope’s claims. It will now be up to them to prove in a court of law that their product works; this means they will have to perform some actual science. I would like to see that day and I look forward to the line of scientists waiting to sit in the witness chair who will skillfully rebut TrueHope’s ongoing fraud.

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