I sit down to read wondering if their right thinking, hoping that maybe its true that this God they have that makes them glow might give me what I need to to make me feel whole I hope I pray that he wont reject me still afraid that the way I feel will reflect on how he feels for me after all I don't see any reason for this God of theirs to care for me especially when I don't care for me but I sit and I read I try to understand though much of it baffles me I don't understand why why I ask does this God care so much? I don't understand I don't deserve any of this I don't deserve the sacrifice in the stories I've heard and am beginning to read for myself I don't understand why he cares so much to continue calling to me of all people even though I try to tell him im not worth it I cant count how many times I've found myself coming so close to falling into his arms and pushing away at the last second pleading for him to leave me alone just go away I know I need you but I don't deserve you I don't know why you care I don't understand what is out there I see the proof though I'm beginning to try to learn the truth yet I still am scared why does he care about me? ME? Of all people why me? why? I have to ask why I just don't understand it makes no sense I'm nowhere near perfect in my eyes I'm most likely the most imperfect person on the planet yet I know his eyes are different than mine I know only because he keeps calling to me of all people why me? I don't know why anyone? We all have our faults that is true yet me? I can understand other I have met and seen but what can I give? I am so frightened that I can never be good enough for anyone especially God so why does he want me? me of all people he calls to why? Why me? I don't know I don't understand I doubt I ever will I only hope I pray that somehow I can learn what its all about and maybe even find out why I don't know I may never know I just hope that I don't muck up what he wants of me to bad I'll do my best to do what he wants I know its all I have in life right now really is whatever God wants is what I should do I've never been happy in truth I'm a bit frightened to find out but I?ll do whatever it takes to please him not for me but for him only because I don't know why he cares I only know that he does and that somehow I may find the answers to many more questions in serving him I?ll do whatever it takes I don't know what im getting into I don't know where I'm going I only hope to get to know the one who is leading
I look around searching for something
searching for something that will make me feel whole
I look around, I see their faces
when I go certain places
I see it in their eyes
I see the proof
I see the truth
there is something out there
there is something more
and it has accepted them
and given them what they need to go on
yet I stand back
scared to go on
afraid that the one who accepted them
will reject me, because I reject me
I know why I feel this way
about the one
I know why im afraid to go on
its because of how I feel about me
I never liked me
I always hated me
im afraid he will to
I look around
I see their faces
I see the glow
it radiates
and I wonder
will he take me
as I am
this pitiful creature
this mass of ugly flesh
could something so wonderful
really want something so horrible?
Im scared to find out sometimes
yet cautiously I begin to step forward
to learn more
and find out what it is about these people that glow
that makes them want to reach out
to a creature like me
and offer his peace
to a thing like me
that doesn't deserve it
I don't know why they care
I don't know what's out there
I only see their proof
and wish to learn the truth
pain seems to be the only constant in life
yet the pain I feel I cant identify
and it just seems to be to much sometimes
so I escape into the empty voids inside me
I run off to nowhere I hide
where I cant hide
I try to not give myself physical relief
from the emotional yet it hurts still
for I used to
and I know it just makes it hurt more
yet even though I know that
I wish I could cry
I often want that release I used to give myself
but the crying never comes never comes
and I refuse to give in to what used to be
all that remains is nothing
nothing is all that there is
pain and nothing
empty and hurting
all I know anymore
the two constants I see in my life
are pain and emptiness
neither that I can identify any longer
I only know them as pain and emptiness
not their origin or why I feel them
just the name
pain filled
empty void
me.
I don't know where im going I don't know if your leading I don't know where im looking I don't know why im looking I know im still searching anymore I know not what for all I know is there has to be an answer there has to be something more is there anyone anything that can answer the unanswerable? Who am I? Is there anything more than this? What is life? Why am I here? Was I put there to simply suffer? To be told to not hate myself yet hate myself more for being told not to? Is this all that there is? Is there nothing more? Why do I feel so empty? So alone and afraid nothing is clear anymore I don't know where to go I don't know where to turn I don't know what to do with these questions rolling around my head I only know if I cant find answers I may as well give up yet would death really be better than life? I don't know I still hold a terrible fear am I ready for it? does anything really lie beyond? If there does am I ready for it? if there doesn't and we simply disappear what's the point of out time here? Yet if there is a heaven or a hell Im terrified im not prepared to find out what either is like I don't know what to do I don't know where to go I wish I knew what to do but I don't know
What is this what do I believe? I don't know anymore I am not sure what I believe what is true what is not I don't know where I end and others begin when it comes to god and jesus what do I believe? I don't know anymore im searching for answers seeking the truth I know not where ill find it or even where it lies im not sure what im looking for I need help I'm not sure who to ask or who to turn to all I know is that im seeking the truth and that I hope that god will still accept me when I've found out what I believe all I know is I know god is there anymore I don't know what else I don't know what I believe other than that there is a god but what else? There has to be more doesn't there? I don't know i'm still searching
I've run long I've run far I know not why you still call I don't pretend to understand your ways I don't pretend to know why you care I only know that if you'll take me now as I am though I know I don't deserve it I'll do everything I can to do your will I can do it on my own I'm incapable of it I sit here broken admitting that now I wont make excuses you know all I've done you know more than what I know I simply ask this if what they say is true and you really do want me and you really do care for a worthless thing like me than I come before you now asking simply that you'll do what you wish with me I want nothing more than what you want for me I don't know where my life is headed I don't know where it has come from so I put everything at your feet I lay it all down and simply ask that you do what you wish and if you wish to turn me away simply strike me down I don't blame you but if you want me if you really do love me please forgive me though I know I don't deserve it I'm so far from perfect you know how I feel you know everything so I simply ask that you do as you wish and help me through this Lord because I cant carry on on my own anymore I never could you were there before I know that now I just never wanted to admit it before I ran for so long but I come to you now broken unworthy and asking you to simply forgive me and if you will take me and use me as you will simply use me for nothing else than what you want that's all I ask is your will nothing else that's all I want please simply forgive me, change me, renew me and use me for your ways that's all I want
Chitter chiter chat chat tap tap click clack tappity tappity clickity click these are the sounds you hear from me all though the night and often the day clickity click tapity tap cause thats the sound a keyboard makes tap tap click click and if im manic ill yell BING! And someone asks whats going on with that crazy thing? And I simply continue on click click tap tap tapity tapity click click cause all I do is type it out chat it out then sit in a corner and cry it out click click tap tap clickity clickity tapity tap thats all you hear from my room then its quiet and im gone off in another world till another poem comes along then clickity clickity tap tap im at it again
Music plays on the radio they call it that anyway the things most teens listen to these days tend to tear you down or encourage you to tear yourself down on the other hand there is the christian station which has nothing but god this and god that and isn't much better because all it is, is a bunch of hymns that or some praise music or something and it shoves things at me and many others that I want nothing to do with not anymore im tired of it im sick of paying lip-service to it you can have your stupid god I don't want him and I don't see why he would want a pathetic thing like me so keep your religion keep your god keep your music your truth your faith keep your trust your whole meaning to life and if I die and go to hell I belong there a pathetic worthless thing like me belongs nowhere else so turn off the radio let me crawl into a corner and hide and leave me be just let me die please thats all I long for anymore a release I want out im tired of trying to chicken to do it on my own or even try so leave me be stop with the compliments I don't deserve them just let me be in my little corner of hell its where I belong its what I deserve nothing else do I deserve nothing else could be worse than this anyway nothing
I search through the day I search through the night I seek a reason and find one I don't I search and I search and find nothing nothing but pain pain pain pain thats all that I feel is pain pain and more pain so what do I do where do I turn? What am I seeking you ask? A reason to keep going a reason to live an answer to why I am here what is the point is there a reason to it all if I were to kill myself where would I go? Would I disappear? Is there a heaven? Is there a hell? If there is where would I go? How do I know? I know where I feel I deserve to go after all a thing like me only deserves the worst yet still I am terrified of what may lie beyond why? I don't know
Questions roll around my head I have to get them out I start to wonder day and night throughout the week anymore im always asking this Is god even real? Does heaven really exist? These questions attack me daily anymore I often wonder if there is a heaven or hell or is this it? Is this life all we have to live? If we go on after this where do we go? If there is a heaven and if it is anything like what I have heard I don't deserve to go there any god I have heard anything about I often wonder why he would care I listen to what im told about heaven and hell I read about it in fiction books by others who claim to know about it and my feelings are that maybe god did send his son but if there is a god and if he did I cant see him doing that for me or why anyone would care about me especially someone or something I cant see so I sit and wonder often is there a heaven is there a hell where do we go when we die? What would happen if I died tomorrow? Or even if I simply gave in and killed myself? Im tired of trying yet terrified of what may lie beyond I don't claim to know the answers anymore im tired of paying lip-service to things I know nothing about so I sit and hide and I ask questions of myself not knowing where to turn or who to ask or even if anyone may know the answers are there any answers? I don't know
Who am I? I do not know I ask who I am and I get no answer becca a name so common it seems becca rebecca becky etc many spellings said the same yet who am I ? Inside of me a war is raging who is the real me in all that is going on? I don't know I ask it often I search but do not find and I feel m beginning to give up is there any hope of finding out who I am inside of me? I don't know I honestly wish I knew who am I my name is Rebecca a name thats all it is common among many im simply one rebecca among thousands im not even plain and ordianry no im not special either many would disagree with e but cant convince me otherwise I look at me what do I see I see an ugly fat girl plain as you can get who was born screwed up will die screwed up and is lost as can be still I ask who am I? I know how I feel about myself I know how I look at myself is that who I am? Or is it something I need to get past to find out who I am? I wish I knew oh how I wish I knew
Sitting here all alone in my room at night again just staring out the window nothing to see nothing to do the clock hits three am I sit and stare thinking I cry off and on wishing I had someone to talk to and still I have no one no one here to talk to no one out there with answers just me here sitting alone and lonely as usual forever alone and lonely I wonder when it will end I stare at the night sky asking questions it cant answer I stare out into the city wishing I had a friend but who would want to be friends with me? Who even knows I exist? No one they don't know im here I don't let them know because im to scared to go up to them I see them around potential friends but im terrified of approaching people so I sit alone and lonely wishing for a friend and to chicken to go up and talk to anyone to make a friend so I sit here beating myself up wishing for someone to talk to and wishing for the end when the end will come I don't know I hope it is soon im not sure I can handle many more sleepless nights
Who is god? What is love? I know how to give love I know how to feel it for others I know how to say I love you to someone I know I shy away when someone says it to me I am not capable of loving myself I often feel I have god shoved in my face I often wonder who he really is I see so many different faces of him and yet it always comes down to one question why would this god of love this god I am supposed to love I am supposed to fear fear and love how can you be afraid of someone and love them? Yet its not just that how could any god possibly want anything to do with me? Why would he want anything to do with me? Why does anyone want anything to do with me? Why do people care about me? I don't know what is it they see that I don't I look at me and I hate what I see they look at me and say they like what they see two different perspectives who is right? I wonder a lot I am so confused so lost so empty I wish I knew where to go I wish I knew where to turn I wish I knew why they cared
I wander around sometimes through crowds often I pick up the feelings of others the positive ones I easily ignore the negative ones I feed off its so easy to simply hang around others and feed off negative feelings sch as fear or depression pain or sorrow and make it my own being an empath is not easy especially when I can not always tell who what where when how or why the feelings I pick up are there] yet I pick them up and I feed off of them the pain and sorrow becomes my own before I know it I do that automatically anymore I carry others burdens along with my own because I will take all the pain I can get I deserve it pain is all I know its all life is pain is the only thing I can easily recognize so slam me insult me hurt me I accept it gratefully though few realize it I want pain yet not the pain I feel yet physical pain does not remove the emotional pain so I pile more emotional pain on myself why don't ask I don't make sense my answer is I deserve it though you disagree I know it hurts many to see me like this it hurts me to hurt others more pain to add to the pain pain the one constant in life
What is life I wish I knew the meaning of life is there one? I ask it often of many people who claim to know the answer yet every time the answer is different yet similar and never makes sense life to me is meaningless life to me is pain nothing but pain memories I cant reach pain that I cant explain and an emptiness that consumes me and drives me mad is there a meaning to life I do not know neither does anyone else it seems I often wish I had the guts to end my life yet im terrified of what may lie beyond is there a life beyond life itself? Are we eternal beings or is this it? if god does exist what could he possibly want with a disgusting thing like me? I have asked that of many people though I stopped because the reactions I got seemed to hurt both sides I look around and wonder is there a point to it all is there a meaning to it all what is this thing called life? Questions I ask often yet are never answered I am so empty all the time is there a reason for how I feel? I wish I knew I don't know but I wish I knew
I wander around wishing for a friend I want a friend but I cant find one I don't approach anyone no one knows me no one comes up to me they don't recognize me a new city full of new people and im all alone alone and lonely I don't introduce myself I stay alone if someone sees me they might say hi then walk on by I don't go up I don't say hi I always stay away I always figure if someone sees me and if the chance however small that someone thinks im worth talking to at all then they will come up and say hi till then I stay alone friendless and alone just worthless me alone and lonely
Time ticks by ever so softly you don't often know its passing then when its to late you begin to see that time has passed you by you run to catch up but no matter how hard try time keeps slipping by and its to late to catch up and do the things you ought to have done before so i sit and stare seeing so much time has passed knowing i will never catch up knowing i may never come close and knowing that if anything good ever comes from me it will come to late
I know I've doubted you for a long time I know I've often said your name should be a curse my simple prayer now is simply forgiveness lord I don't know when how or why but i have realized now what I need most of all please help me lord I've taken a bad fall I don't know where to go from here or even where to start so I'm simply praying you will guide my heart and continue to give me the friends I need most who continue to guide me in your ways and help to show me who you really are and help me see your true face
I act happy but don't feel that way
I've claimed Christianity often enough
I've thought long and hard and though its tough
I have to admit I don't believe in god
god what god? I've asked myself a lot
they say trust in him and be contented with what you got
I cant though its too hard im in emotional pain every day
I don't know what to do I don't know what to say
everything seems to go wrong at the worst of times
when Im feeling down they say
trust in "god" it will be O.K.
What does that mean? If there is a "god"
why am I so alone I don't understand like they think I should
I often wonder what death will be like
more often than not now I want to find out
"god" what "god" they say there's proof it cant be denied
and all I can do is sit back and think all I've lived is a lie
I don't believe in god how can I?
All I really know well is my life is made up of pain
both physical and emotional Im breaking under the strain
of trying to make the most of everything
myself my talents my weaknesses and few strengths
when I look at myself I see a big bunch of worthless nothing
I'm fat I'm ugly I look like a guy I'm not sure anymore
of what love truly is what am I to do?
Where am I to go? All I've ever wanted is to be left alone
people all around driving me insane I don't know what to do
where to go
I live in books for more reasons than one
I often dream of the "enemy" in the animorphs collection
I wish the yeerks were real because if they were in a blink
of an eye I could be a host have some alien slug thing in my
brain controlling what I do and say. I'd never have to do anything
but relax and dream read and be happy
what is true peace? I don't know I don't think I'll ever know
until I die naturally or commit suicide I don't want to grow old
I don't want to live what's the point of life im finding none
I try reading as an escape, I tried taking interest in a bass guitar
then I found that meant performing!
That scares me even more
I don't want to perform but felt my dad would be mad if
I didn't sign up to play at church
I signed up only for that reason and I wish
I hadn't I don't want to perform I don't want to lead
it's time to face the facts i just don't believe I just
Can't believe there's some "all powerful god" who
fixes all you problems and cares no matter what
I've tried to talk with my family they just don't get nor does anyone else
with my emotional problems I cant understand or believe
some "god I cant see cares for me.
"God" what "god"
my question remains I need emotional proof not physical
or seeing people be good. The way I suffer every day
it's the only way I can see for sure
if some "god" really cares or not
I'm unhappy more often than not im constantly depressed
no one would care it seems if I were to kill myself
at least I'd be in peace. I want death to mean I don't go to
some heaven filled with people if there is a heaven
I would want it to be a huge lovely place with no one but me
and a library filled to the brim of all the books I've ever read and never got to read and a nice bunch of woods a medow maybe and I would stay there
content with all the books ever written throughout eternity
but "eternity" it scares me to I would never want to live
forever that would be pure torture living forever would get boring eventually
even if you could visit other heavens so I remain to ask
"god" what "god"?
I still want to know what kind of a god has you live forever in eternal happiness? How can that be possible?
The way I see it you have to experience pain to feel pleasure
why would anyone want that much less live forever?
I don't understand what is it that drives christians to to stand
and preach to all about a wonderful "god" who fixes your
problems makes all things well and so you know he's "there" throws in some pain now and again, and when it's all over you go to "heaven
where the streets are "paved with gold"
and you live in mansions and are happy all the time
what kind of life is that?
A god of compassion and love would not do that for me he would either give me my own place or make me disappear as if I had never been
I don't actually know what I want but I know
it isnt what people say heaven is like
and still I repeat
"god" what "god"?
I don't know and am just about ready to admit defeat
Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like,
if I could be like everyone else
to kiss, to date, to sing, to shout,
to talk all day, to run without rest,
To always be sure someone is there
to be in good shape, and to have normal moods
Sometimes I wonder why I'm me,
I am not always sure it's worth living for
constantly wondering what the meaning of life is,
never feeling secure in crowds
unable to run without an inhaler
afraid to date, to sing, to kiss
having a different mood all the time,
hardly ever talking, getting cramps just from walkingSometimes I wonder if I can truly be happy being me,
I'm completely unsure of even a possibility existing
I am constantly unhappy, bored or mad
wondering what it'd be like to be glad more than sad
what do others think of me?
What is the missing part of me?
Who am I? What am I here for?
Does God really exist? Do I belong here?
Is there a purpose to my living?
I don't know, but sometimes I wonder.Sometimes I wonder what it would be like
to have this curse lifted from me
to not be so emotionally insecure
to be able to like myself for who I amnot rely on others to keep on going
sometimes I wonder what it could be like
to know real peace for a change
instead of constantly being hyper depressed and angry
most of the time im just numb inside
sometimes I wonder what it would be like
to be able to feel again
without tremendous pain inside
I don't know but sometimes I wonder
words cant say what you friendship means to me you listen and care when it seems the whole world is so against me its ready to smother me and all I can think is poor me why me? Why cant I die?? Then I talk to you and what I find is my mind is telling me all lies thank you for being there when I need you most when I start to think my life's meaning is so much of nothing it hurts thank you for being there
What is evil do we really know? Anymore all I know is my thoughts and feelings hurt me so what can I do? Where can I go? I look around see people pass oblivious to the world in this world of ours people grow people change but what of those who suffer all the way? Sex overrated and done to much, money given out to those who have to much people killing people killed suicide is done left and right the hungry homeless people wander in a heartless hopeless worthless world trying to find food and shelter and when they do what do they find a cruel uncomfortable bed food so meager or so bad its easier to look at yourself and say you'd be better off dead lad so hide in a corner felling sad and get it over, what's keeping me back? I need food for my heart shelter for my soul there's nothing in me but an empty hole so what do I do where do I go I hope I find the invisible goal or the emotional hole in my hearts going to become the physical hole marking my suicide
The sun is my enemy I refuse to sleep so it may torture me faster The night is my friend for it holds peace and promise I know not during day for the sun it angers me so for with it comes much stress and grief and in it my tears may not flow bu the blessed night holds much promise for the stress does leave me then and the tears left over from daylights toil then can flow freely without fear
Times of happiness seem fewer day by day I need someone to help me find my way I'm so depressed from the rut I've fallen into I'm starting to wonder, would death be the best thing to do I'm so afraid of what the future holds I wonder if I could throw the world away for heavens golds Is life worth living, is this depression worth it? I search every day for another escape but no matter what I do or how I try the reality of the world all the filthy junk I have to put up with I sometimes wish I had the guts to commit suicide what am I to do? Where am I to go? What happens after highschool? If I commit suicide will I still go to heaven? Or is heaven just a myth? I wish I knew the answers If people who are Christians kill themselves and they still go to heaven, would I be cheating myself to force my way by getting life over with in My time? I really wish I knew
Im hurting always I cannot sleep
my sanity I barely keep
what am I to do when all I want is for that sleep to end not?
I try to look at what I've got, my sanity? I think not
so if I pray what do I say?
Spare me please this life of dismay
yet pray i wont
for prayer is not something i will do
why god would care about me i do not know
so what am i to do?
I lie awake at night thinking I stare out in space in class I read and live in the books I read When I'm around others I think I watch others see their faces I think I see a glow in some, in others, all I see is a blank where there should be a person where are people in this maze of destruction? I see their faces in different ways and try to understand all my life I have known god is real I don't know it in my heart though I think the people I see with a light are ones who in their hearts know that god's real I think I may be a blank but I can't read myself the blanks need more than a yes god's real we need something more I don't know what I need to feel it to know it others might be the same or they choose to be blank souls the world seems to be falling apart but the few glowing souls that are left manage to hold it together and I hope they can keep it up till I'm done thinking and am positive god's real and am ready to join them in holding and repairing this torn down world
I dwell in the past or in the far future never in the now of today and tomorrow I often get scared or panicked and crazy I feel all is lost and I start to feel lazy I think about fears that could be realized in years never what I can do to keep them from coming true in the past unchangeable life seems a drag in the far future not yet realized I see things in fear in the now I'm not sure think on it more I will
I stumble all the time I never seem to keep my footing strong yet every time I fall and struggle to my feet once more I am stronger yet at the same time weaker for I am hurt by the stumble even worse by the fall but I learn from every misfortune every fall into despair and come out ever stronger standing tall in the air
Hilarious
Attacks the dogs
Pathetic at fixing mechanics
Pretty good nurse
Yogurt loveralMost as crazy as daddy
Ostracizes kids often
True to her word (mostly)
Horrible memory (not that that's bad)
Extreme workaholic
Rabbit lover
Snake haterDaddy spanker
A psycho mom is the best
Yay! It is your day!!
List:
doorknob is needed to get into house
is nice to get into room after parent lockout
is nice to have when you want to barge in on sisters
is good to have around
is useful to get in and out of stores
is nice cause it has a lock
poem: when I go into the house to eat corn on the cob I use a doorknob when I go to lock my parents away I'm glad the doorknobs not hiding in the hay when I want to run in on sis the doorknob I hope not to miss if we did not have doorknobs outside I'd be pretty confused on how to get inside when I want to get to the bathroom to brush my hair thank you mister doorknob for being there
if I were a grasshopper I'd stay away from every corn popper instead I'd jump on someone's head and get tangled till I was half dead then I'd get the hunch that it's time for lunch I'd eat some hair glad it's not underwear then I'd sleep like a sheep when the person showered I'd fall off the tower into the drain along with the rain
I am a snowman I eat omens they taste great unlike my mate some taste like powder others like chowder then the sun comes out and I start to pout someone gets a cup and my life is up
there was a kid named Mart he wasn't very smart he tried to hang his hammock and he started to panic one tree was here another there and he started to pull out his hair
Christmas is the season when you start receiving nice little gifts some bought on work shifts lucky kids get a bear unlucky kids get underwear nice kids get bikes mean kids get trikes stockings are hung with care knowing mom will soon be there
I went to town one day in May I felt neither happy nor gay, cause my kitty ran away I could not laugh, smile, or play all I could do was frown down at the ground no more loving pets to see cause my precious kitty left me I could always get a dog I might even get a frog I could've just gone to the store and played but the store was closed and I felt very dismayed
I had a fish that I could kiss for each kiss I got a wish I wished for gold, silver, and more then one day my fish walked out the door I cried all night and on to the next morning then I got a letter saying he went forever exploring I remember buying him a fishbowl to show that I cared to show appreciation his teeth he just bared I'll never forget my fish his kiss or his wish